Creative writings by SlackerDan. Check out my articles and videos if you need a laugh, why not?
This website is going to be a constant work in progress, articles, comedy, video, and other stuff I've made will be added constantly... or at least when I stop slacking.
Turning a crappy job into a fun online writing career
Currently working a job you don't like? Why not post all the reasons why you think your company is complete crap on social media! You'll entertain countless Internet strangers all over this good Earth.
Legal Notice to all OC Transpo Lawyers: This article is complete parody, much like oc transpo bus schedules.
Travelling on the Ottawa-Carleton ('OC Transpo') city bus can be a genuinely intimidating experience to many people due to the unpleasantness of encountering the ever-present angry and screaming crowds, surly and psychologically damaged bus drivers, and roving gangs of inebriated Carleton University students.
I'm not currently working in retail sales, but if I ever have to resort to that profession again, I hope my employer doesn't read this article.
I am a retail salesperson, God help my eternal soul. I make money selling goods and/or services to people shopping in my store. This money allows me to purchase food, shelter, and the necessities of life. Any moment wasted not selling is bad because the store doesn't make money (which threatens my job) and my boss hates me because I'm not moving over-priced pieces o' retail crap.
I wrote this pure parody article back in the year 2006. Gods I feel old now. Anyways, if you want to relive the days of Mayor David Miller, Zanta, and The Giant Parkdale Iguana, please read on...
Slacker’s Notes: In the year 2006, in my less bald youth, I lived in Toronto. I no longer reside in that city; some people love the ol’ ‘TDot’, but it just wasn’t a good fit for me. I’ve since moved back to the city of my birth.
Or, the main reason why I don't peruse dating websites anymore, besides the fact that women scare the living shit out of me.
I used to browse various personals and dating websites, but not anymore due to the increasing psychological trauma in my tired middle-aged slacker brain. Whenever I’d check out Internet personals in the past, my eyes were invariably pixel-burnt by pictures of almost-terminally horny men displaying their jutting schlongs as they begged for female companionship. This widespread practice by many single guys on the Internet offends my gentlemanly upbringing.
I wrote the following article to try to recapture a teeny-tiny part of my youth. It didn't work, but the nostalgia distracted me from my bursitis pain for awhile, which was nice.
School's out for the summer! Time to party in the woods, dudes & dudettes! You're young and full of energy, enthusiasm, and irresponsibility: you want to go camping NOW! It doesn't matter if you're on break from high school, college, or even university; going out to the woods to party with your friends during the summer is the best way to have semi-legal fun. But you have to remember to bring the appropriate supplies. Here's the list of things you're going to need to make your camping trip truly epic!
All of the below remarks about McDonald's is just my opinion. Don't sue me, Ronald, for I have no money.
Francis and I roll up to the McDonald’s and make our way into the fine establishment where nary a proper nutrient can be found by hungry and wayward souls.
I used to live in Toronto but now I don't. I kind of miss the restaurants, shopping, and random distant screaming from the general direction of Scarborough at 3 A.M.
Toronto has many fun and exciting tourist attractions just waiting for you! Also, random stabbings have gone down three percent compared to last year, so what are you waiting for? Here's just a few of Toronto's awesome sites to visit:
It's not a case of getting older, it's a case of everything in life getting more of a pain in the ass to accomplish.
I’ve been feeling damn frustrated lately, both at myself and the world. So, nothing new. I feel burnt out all the time. Yeah, that’s frustrating enough, and all the other symptoms with my depression sure as hell don’t help: anhedonia (a lack of pleasure in doing activities), foggy-mindedness, a lack of motivation, and an overriding fear that Danny DeVito is going to stab me in my sleep (I’m not sure what kind of Latin -phobia tag said specific fear would bear, but it’s real so I’ll thank you not to mock it).
I don't mean to drag you down to my level but once you get here you'll probably give me a hug.
I'm exhausted. Thanks, Internet. Thank you for the sheer amount of interesting crap you hold within your digital spaces. Thank you for the, uh, intriguing people you've allowed me to communicate with so far in a meaningful, fulfilling manner. And, THANK YOU for causing me to stay up till FIVE IN THE FREAKING MORNING.
More plastic quasi-collectible stuff on the Internet to buy, yay!
Hey Internet denizens! Step away from your keyboards and wipe the Frito’s dust from your lips! A brand new line of collectible man-boy toys just for you are now in the stores: Internet Action Figures™, each with their own online nicknames! Now also featuring artificial intelligence so damn sentient you’ll clench your ass-cheeks in awe and fear! What hath God wrought?
Google keeps improving our lives no matter how much we resist it.
We here at Google wish to thank you, the Internet user, for making us the number one search engine on the planet! Rest assured, Google will continue to expand our online services with new and exciting features you will find indispensable. One of our catchy slogans is: “We’ll make you Google whether you want to or not!”
Hey, we're all busy. Feel free to use this template to save you time. You're Welcome.
Well, I’m having a(n) [adjective] day so far. I’m at [location] right now, updating my Facebook page with my [computer, laptop, phone, other].
Adventure awaits for a monthly subscription fee.
(Slacker’s Note, 2025): I wrote this article in the early days of World of Warcraft and, although now a little out-dated, I believe the advice it contains on how to properly play the game still holds true. Online games have exploded in number since the early 2000’s and players continue to engage in ‘traditional’ MMORPG tropes like grinding countless hours for rare items, killing weaker players just because it’s fun, and running around as a Gnome just to annoy the Taurens. So nothing has changed. Nothing.
I have to get this off my chest. My confused and perplexed human chest.
Furries. Those strange people you see on the Internet and, sometimes, even on the television. Grown adults who dress up like humanoid animals and get together at hotel conventions to dance, grope, and occasionally mass-fornicate.
This article is pure parody. I don't know how to make a nuclear reactor. I can barely program my microwave.
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Materials you’ll need: Scissors, Glue, Tinfoil, and around 75–100 Pencils:
I'm a huge Superman fan, honest. But, c'mon. The Silver Age Lois Lane Was OBSESSED with the guy.
"Hello Lois, it’s Superman here, the real deal. No, this isn’t a fake letter from any of my various super-villains trying to trick you. This is the real fucking-A Superman writing this letter, so sit down and shut up while I get some annoying facts about you off my massive, “S”-emblazoned chest."
I'm not proud of this conversation, and I'm watching my herb intake now.
Here’s a conversation I had with a nice gentleman at Victoria’s Pizzeria (name changed, o’course) after getting ‘the munchies’ from smoking waaaaay too much “Mary Jane”, i.e. cannabis sativa, one memorable night.
I tried Ebay for my walrus needs. No luck.
(Slacker’s Notes, 2025): Back in the early 2000’s, when I was young and stupid(er), I posted this fake advertisement on the formerly popular craigslist website. The ad didn’t stay up for long, since apparently none of the moderators at craigslist believed anyone would be giving away a walrus, free or otherwise.
Face it: you're single and you’ve never bothered to learn how to cook meals for yourself. After years of an unhealthy dependence on UberEats, developing culinary skills has always ranked low on your list of things to learn. Besides, you've got more important tasks in your life, like listening to “The Joe Rogan Podcast” while nodding thoughtfully.
A True Memory I WilL Always Hold Dear.
Fair warning here, folks. The following story involves a mild amount of gore. Televised gore, though, so… not so bad?
An Eternal Question We All Struggle Answering... well, not really.
An investigation into finalizing an individual’s personal choice between a world-wide computer network or getting one’s lazy butt away from the computer and "For Realsies" going outside.
I was, and still am, a large child who enjoys ice cream way too much.
I am ten years old and a hefty boy...
There should be a TED talk about this subject. Sure would liven things up a bit.
Ah, the Internet, humanity's greatest pornography distribution system ever invented. But before the Internet provided gigabytes of free porn to everybody (and when I say everybody, I mean “you”), primitive systems existed to satisfy our need to masturbate to pictures of naked people.
Internet Scrawlings By SlackerDan
A middle-aged Generation X Canadian guy who loves writing, comedy, and 80% of Life itself.
