Currently working a job you don't like? Why not post all the reasons why you think your company is complete crap on social media! You'll entertain countless Internet strangers all over this good Earth.
As the years technologically evolve towards some sort of horrible Singularity involving human beings and sentient artificial intelligence fusing into a new life-form that can finally remember where it last put the TV remote control, the popular meme-trend of people on the Internet posting their thoughts, experiences, and criticisms about their place of employment ever continues.
While such job journals and blogs entertain countless readers like you and I, employees posting their honest thoughts and feelings on the 'Net often make employers nervous, as said bosses want all their nice little hired drones to keep churning out products & services without all that pesky independent thought.
But it is very important that honest, hard-working people like you all over the Internet journal their straight-from-the-heart opinions online, since their Facebook posts, websites, and "job-blogs" often serve to expose the all-too-common psychopaths in authority exploiting others for gain while keeping your readers entertained with the dirty, juicy workplace details. This is a good thing.
Here are some techniques you can use to effectively write about your place of work while lowering your chances of getting fired by an angry boss who's just discovered you posted pictures of them cramming an entire loaf of banana bread in their mouth stolen from the fridge in the break room.
Follow these suggestions faithfully and you just might one day have an online job journal that'll draw in thousands of readers every day and you'll earn fear, respect, and bribes from co-workers and managers who don't want to be the next fascinating subject in your popular Internet job journalling!
Never underestimate the power of the Internet and how it can help you tell complete strangers all over the world, every day, how much you hate your job and the embarrassing things you know about it, just to give you a fleeting sense of smug self-satisfaction.
Post Everything You Find Annoying About Your Job On Social Media Sites:
"So many online opportunities to bitch about my place of employment! Thank you, Internet! Thank you, God!"
Ninety-nine percent of humanity is in economic servitude to the remaining one percent, but we don't have to like it. Therefore, anyone sacrificing their free will to a job has the God-given right to bitch about it.
But don't just complain about your boss when there's so much to write about your annoying co-workers. While everyone in the business world strives to appear professional, they are human and therefore have "skeletons in their closets" that you, as a writer, are morally entitled to inappropriately discuss about on your website or Indeed company review.
The more controversial the secrets about your company you reveal, the more comments you'll get in your social media posts. For example:
April 21: "I just discovered that Phil the Assistant Manager enjoys wearing My Little Pony™ diapers while being spanked by Debbie from Accounting!"
You'll definitely get many replies from your readers (probably most from an enraged Phil. And Debbie.).
Have A Cover Window Ready When You're Posting Everything You Find Annoying About Your Job On Social Media:
Alert! The boss is approaching your cubicle! Alt-Tab out of your Fortnite game immediately!
Just in case your 'Bill Lumbergh' clone of a boss walks into your cubicle while you are detailing the relevant points of how much he sucks on your Facebook page/Instagram/personal blog, always have a job-oriented window (such as the company's website or an innocent-looking pie chart) in your task bar ready to switch to by using the Alt+Tab keys in order to hide what you're actually doing (which sure as hell isn't doing what you're being paid for).
If you're using a writing app, click the "Save" button often, since you may have to shut down whatever application you're using to compose your blog post when the boss pokes his ugly, balding head in the cubicle. Using Google Docs can be useful, as it auto-saves your work and your angry, hate-fueled rants about your job aren't being saved locally. Just make sure you're keeping your writings in your own Google drive in a folder with an innocent name, not on the company's cloud space in a folder named "PHOTOGRAPHS OF MY BOSS'S AFFAIR TO POST ON PORNHUB"
Stay In The Office 'Rumor Mill'
"Don't spread this around, but I heard from a reputable source that Joe the Sales Manager likes to dress like Wonder Woman in the privacy of his bedroom! Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. But you should tell everyone anyways."
Your co-worker's opinions about people who aren't within earshot are very important, since they often provide juicy material for your blog.
Don't be hampered by the truth, by the way; major newspapers don't give a damn about the correct facts, so why should you? It's irrelevant whether or not Ed the new intern is actually a closet Furry who goes by the online sobriquet of 'Mr. Hugglepup'...what's important is that you heard the rumor, and it is your sacred job-hating duty to**get it on the Internet as soon as possible.
Maybe Suzanne in HR gets paid for dressing up as a clown and slamming coconut cream pies into the groins of lonely men at bachelor parties, maybe she doesn't, who cares? As long as your office buddy Jim who just asked her for a date and got turned down says it's true, it's true.
Examine The Contents Of Other People's Desks When They Leave The Office
"Oh, looky here! Gary left a restraining order from his girlfriend in his top desk drawer. Time to take a picture of it for my Instagram!"
When you get right down to it, human nature is pretty goddamn stupid, and it's amazing the incriminating evidence your co-workers and boss may have stashed away in their lower desk drawers.
It is essential that you, the serious writer and job hater, always have a digital camera on-hand in case you need to make digital copies of the love letters your manager is sending to his/her mistress. Or to take pictures of any pill bottles you may find in your co-worker's desks; you can post the details from the prescription labels and make a nifty pie-chart showing the ratio of people currently on heavy anti-depressants at your place of work: "Wow, Larry in Payroll sure is on a lot of Paxil!"
Take Covert Pictures Of Your Co-Workers & Boss For Fun Social Media Commentary
"Rachel at the front desk sure looks like she's having a nice workplace nap. I better alert the Internet about her unprofessional workplace habits."
There's no greater satisfaction than posting a picture on the 'Net of a co-worker caught in an embarrassing situation; if it's a pic of your boss, whom you especially hate, all the better. Keep that digital camera handy and always, always, take pictures for your journal or blog of:
- Your boss picking his/her/their nose or other unacceptable orifice. Always a classic.
- Any co-worker screaming at their computer in frustration. Hopefully they'll start hitting it.
- Anybody who's just gotten fired. Grief = Great Content!
- Your boss sitting in the washroom stall and looking up in shock at your camera's flash. Remember to use Photoshop™ to edit out any "red-eye" that may appear.
- Building security guards beating up anybody. Hopefully someone who's just been fired.
- Building security guards getting beaten up by anybody. Hopefully the guy who got fired knows judo and just had seven cups of coffee.
- The pile of co-worker's coffee mugs you've stolen from the break room and super-glued into an Aztec pyramid.
- Any manager having a tantrum. Remember to zoom in on their red, contorted face. Could make a good desktop background graphic.
- The attractive new office worker from the temp agency.
- The attractive new temp's shapely buttocks. Distasteful, yes, but you'll get more readers because it's the Internet. Be It Ever Thus.
- The attractive new temp's genitals through his/her/their bedroom window after you've followed them home.
Hack Into Workplace Computers For Incriminating Evidence
Aren't you glad you took all those computer programming courses in college?
Please do not tell me you don't know how to get into your boss's computer. You've already figured out how to bypass workplace filters so you can download gigabytes of porn, so accessing any so-called 'protected' folders should be a piece of cake.
If you're having trouble accessing the more interesting sections of your workplace's computer system, try to befriend the office geek who holds the office network power. If they're the typical incel-type and therefore incapable of befriending due to their poor social and hygiene skills, attempt to get incriminating evidence on them for blackmail purposes.
It's easier than you may suspect. Network admin geeks play online games all day on the job site instead of working, so if you threaten to write about their workplace offenses, you'll often get results. If the network admin continues to resist, threaten to post the video you took of them waving a retractable pointer around like a light saber in the break room as they shouted, "I'm a Jedi!"; they'll probably give you administrative rights for fear of the sheer amount of people who'll be laughing at them on YouTube. It's happened more than you think.
It's a safe bet your co-workers are downloading just as much pornography as you are while presumably on the job, if not more. Try to find their hidden caches of online porn as it gives you a keen insight into their deepest thoughts and fantasies. And what a great thing to talk about on social media! It may be difficult typing through the laughter after you've discovered Ted the program leader has seventeen gigabytes of JPEG's depicting Danny DeVito in various cheerleader's costumes, but try to stay strong; thousands of readers are depending on you for accurate details.
In Conclusion
If you get fired for making posts on the Internet about your job, sue the bastards on any legal precedent having to do with freedom of speech. Collect the settlement. Find a new job. Post on social media about your new job. Get fired again for the same reason. Sue the new bastards for firing you. Collect settlement. Repeat.
You'll be rich in no time and finally have enough money to start a company of your own! You'll have to hire employees, though, so keep an eye on them so they won't post the embarrassing details about your company. Uh... wait a minute...
"Henderson! You've been posting Instagram clips of me on the toilet in the company bathroom taking a dump! My office, NOW! "