Not now or ever appearing on Amazon! Ever!
Hey Internet denizens! Step away from your keyboards and wipe the Frito’s dust from your lips!
A brand new line of collectible man-boy toys just for you are now in the stores: Internet Action Figures™, each with their own online nicknames! Now also featuring artificial intelligence so damn sentient you’ll clench your ass-cheeks in awe and fear! What hath God wrought?
They walk! They talk! They post embarrassing details about your personal life on Facebook! Now even YOU can own a hellish technological sentient THING that reflects your own Internet personality! Isn’t technology wonderful? Isn’t life just (*)_@# GREAT?
The Internet is hot right now, and probably will be for another year or two, so why not own a collectible that’s even hotter (especially if you order it off Amazon and then claim it never arrived and getting a full refund)?
Everyone’s using the Internet these days – housewives to doctors to lazy CNN reporters who can’t be half-arsed to write a story of their own and decide to use ChatGPT instead. Do you want to be caught not owning an Internet Action Figure™? Don’t you realize what that will do to your reputation?!?
People will laugh and point at you while saying, “Hey, He/She/They regularly use the Internet but doesn’t own an Internet Action Figure™! What a rectal wart! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes.”
Buy An Internet Action Figure™ Today! Just pick the collectible that reflects your online personality, wait 12 – 240 weeks for delivery, and yodel in excitement like a Swedish Labrador retriever with its paw caught in a 2014 Honda Nissan car door when the hottest item of this year arrives at your home!
Please Choose One Of The Dolls Collectible Action Figures Below, Goddamn it:
‘SufferingSoul_3000’ The Online Drama Action Figure
Online emotional breakdowns are the lifeblood of the Internet.
This ever-emotional Internet Action Figure™ will steal your heart with its Facebook posts seeking attention, which it will read back to you in real life so you don’t miss a single narcissistic detail!
Just pull the string on its back and the Online Drama Action Figure will break down in tears and have an online nervous breakdown, posting a blog entry along the lines of, “My life is a pit of despair. I’m never shopping at CostCo again because they were totally out of Hostess Ding-Dongs and I didn’t get any free burrito bite samples because the place was so crowded with people from Quebec. Why do I have to suffer like this?”
‘Geezer_1938’ The Old Curmudgeon Action Figure
Old Man Yells At (Google) Cloud
Stand back, kids, this Old Curmudgeon collectible don’t take no crap! He blogs about what sucks in life but instead of whining like ‘SufferingSoul_3000’, ol’ ‘Geezer_1938’ gets pissed off and tells the entire Internet what SHOULD be done, goddamn it, if HE was in charge.
This Internet Action Figure™ will take on anybody responding to his online rantings, from the rich & powerful to the meek & mild: if you don’t agree with the Old Curmudgeon, he’ll call you a drooling moron no matter your economic or racial background! He’s an equal-opportunity vitriolic ranter, like your Uncle Larry!
You’ll never truly control ‘Geezer_1938’, as he’ll drink your beer, eat your food, and criticize your life while inappropriately eyeing your girlfriend’s breasts. But don’t take it personally, because the Old Curmudgeon doesn’t particularly give a damn about you, anyways: he merely wants the entire world to listen to him and his correct opinions like how he hates the word, “SKIBIDI”, and why he was in the right when he nearly strangled his young nephew to unconsciousness for uttering it.
And if the world doesn’t listen to him, he’ll just rant and rant and rant even harder! Oh, that Old Curmudgeon ‘Geezer_1938’! What an entertaining yet incredibly-enjoyable-to-troll-if-you’re-a-young-person personality!
Political Internet Action Figures:
(Two Versions: Left & Right. Sorry, “Middle Of The Road” Action Figure no longer available).
‘Unicorns_Not_War_1’ The Leftie-Liberal Internet Action Figure
Now with 50% more self-righteous fury!
If you want a collectible figure that hates war, capitalism, and rich people while loving animals, vegetables, and maybe even minerals, ‘Unicorns_Not_War_1’ is for you!
Chock full of socialist fury spawned from poorly educated college professors, this self-effacing human rights activist will picket your heart, and home, and neighborhood, and most probably your church too, for the rest of your natural life. Because you’re a fascist and you didn’t even know it! Silly fascist.
Watch Lefty-Liberal Action Figure organize your Barbie dolls and Transformers into a vegetarian co-operative commune! Gasp in awe as you discover your car bumper-stickered with “Save The Endangered Guatemalan Tree Slug” slogans! Run in fear when the cops discover Lefty-Liberal’s ‘stash’ in your home!
Warning: Lefty-Liberal Internet Action Figure may spontaneously turn into the Righty-Conservative Internet Action Figure (below) when its RRSP’s mature, or otherwise comes into a lot of money.
‘MrAJones_1776’ the Righty-Conservative Internet Action Figure
Just like a Troll Doll, but with many more hideous economic implications.
If you want a sentient collectible figure that loves war, capitalism, and rich people while hating most animals (except German Shepherds and American Eagles), vegetables, and maybe even minerals (except gold & oil deposits), ‘MrAJones_1776’ the Righty-Conservative Internet Action Figure is for you!
This little lazy Libertarian will kick your unemployed ass out of that computer chair and into a minimum wage, go-nowhere job before you can say, “What the f-ck?”
Watch Righty-Conservative collectible figure strap your misbehaving household pets into the optional ‘Ol’ Sparky Electric Chair Action Set’ (sold separately) and send ‘em to Heaven (which they won’t be going to, because as all Righty-Conservatives know, animals have no souls).
Warning: The ‘Fully-Automatic Burglar Deterrent Gun Closet’ is not optional with the Righty-Conservative Internet Action Figure in Texas; customer is legally obliged to buy said accessory when purchasing this action figure.
‘Gotcha_Gerry_9000’ the YouTube Prank Channel Internet Action Figure
The face of entertainment today. We're all doomed and God is sad at us.
Once you’ve brought this darling little bastard home, with the ‘Video Streaming Action Accessory Kit’ (which is always included, bahahaha, you poor bastard), say “Goodbye!” to all your private & personal moments!
‘Gotcha_Gerry_9000’ will cram his Youtube bandwidth with videos of you taking a shower, taking a dump, getting drunk, touching the dog inappropriately, vomiting, yodeling, or otherwise embarrassing yourself in any situation his sentient A.I. can digitally record.
And now thanks to cheap cloud storage sites, all of your relatives now and in the future can conveniently access said videos forever and ever and ever, even if you try to ban his channel! Isn’t technology wonderful? Isn’t life just (*)_@# GREAT?
Warning: No Refunds Given When Returning Internet Action Figures™, we’ve given up trying to keep them under control. Last night a ‘Geezer_1938’ here at our toy labs stabbed Dave the new network administrator. It was horrible.
"Young man, did you just say 'skibidi'?"