(Slacker’s Notes: All statements below are complete parody for God’s sake. Except the advice to not drink and drive. Never drink and drive, the world needs you.)
Offer that raccoon a beer, for God's sakes. You young people never remember your manners.
School's out for the summer! Time to party in the woods, dudes & dudettes! You're young and full of energy, enthusiasm, and irresponsibility: you want to go camping NOW! It doesn't matter if you're on break from high school, college, or even university; going out to the woods to party with your friends during the summer is the best way to have semi-legal fun. But you have to remember to bring the appropriate supplies. Here's the list of things you're going to need to make your camping trip truly epic!
1. Beer
"Don't mind me, folks! Please stop screaming. You're ruining my buzz."
The brewskis and lots of 'em! What's the point of going camping in the first place if you can't get totally loaded and stumble around lost and naked in the dark woods? Or vomiting on your buddy's tent... or anybody's tent for that matter? You're going to need an incredible amount of beer, so load up the back of the car with cases and kegs. Remember, though, don't drink and drive - save the suds for camping.
Hell, why not enjoy an inebriated stroll in the woods and have great fun encountering frightened wildlife, angry park rangers, and a horrified middle-class family of four who all scream in unison when you step on their tent.
2. Gasoline
"Hey dudes! I know how to make this fire bigger! Watch!"
For the totally bitchin' bonfire! Never mind that old "rub two sticks together" Boy Scout crapola. Nothing gets the party going like a nine meter pillar of flame. Your eyebrows? So what? Hey, you're young, you'll grow them back eventually (maybe).
Here are the directions in the proper use of gasoline to start a fire:
- Get a lot of dry wood together (steal logs from neighboring camper's fire pit).
- Put it in a pile in your fire pit in a non-chalant I-didn't-steal-this-shit manner.
- Soak the wood pile with thirty-seven metric gallons of gasoline
- Strike match after making a short prayer to whatever bemused God is watching you.
- Throw match on wood pile. See the pretty lights? They're called “an explosion”.
- Pick yourself up after being thrown eleven meters back from the detonation field.
- Enjoy bonfire while trying to not think about your missing eyebrows and your legs on fire.
3. A powerful car stereo to crank up the tunes
All forest animals love them some Skrillex.
Never mind a wimpy portable bluetooth speaker, you need real power to audibly drown out all natural forest sounds in a five kilometer radius. My advice is to drive your car up into the woods and start blarin' the stereo. Never mind about the tire treads – they're biodegradable.
Remember to pump that music up! It may annoy other campers within a three-mile radius, but playing some classic Nine Inch Nails tunes at 140 decibels has been known to ward off all crazed bear attacks. It's true.
If you want to outright kill all species in the forest in which you're camping, play some Nickelback.
4. Lawn chairs
That's one comfortable looking lawn chair! The honey badger, not so much.
Sometimes you're gonna need to rest & relax from all that drunken stumbling around the dark forest. And while collapsing in the woods on soft pine needles may be fine for some people, save yourself the hypothermia and put a blanket or sleeping bag you can sit or lie down on near the fire. But try not to fall asleep, because your buddies will do some horrible prank to you like placing a honey badger on your bare chest because, well, they're your friends.
5. A can of brown beans to leave on the fire
"What do you mean my health insurance doesn't cover flaming bean scars?"
You're going to get hungry, so put a can of baked beans on the fire to cook. Of course, you'll totally forget about the can until it explodes from over-heating, showering you and your chums with scalding hot baked beans, leaving little red kidney-shaped scars all over your exposed skin. (The author personally attests to this experience).
6. More Beer
If all the chipmunks in the forest work together, they can return the empties for a nickle apiece!
You just might run out of all those bottles of beer, so it can't hurt to bring more beer. Besides, more than likely you'll lose some beers after dropping them, or throwing them at your friends, or pouring beer over yourself in drunken revelry. Running out of beer is the most horrifying experience for many a partying camper, even worse than being attacked by hungry badgers while you sleep. Who wants to face the woods sober?
7. A Blanket
Bears love uncovering surprises, especially if said surprise is made of meat.
It will get cold when the bonfire goes out because everyone is unconscious or too drunk to perform the simple act of adding more wood to it, so bring a large blanket you can use while passed out on your lawn chair. You forgot a blanket and your lawnchair? Well, just lie down near the fire... oh wait, right, your drunk buddies are just waiting for you to fall asleep so they can put a gingham dress on you for the wandering hillbillies to find in the morning. Well, stay awake then by eating...
8. Hot dog wieners and marshmallows
Your body is made out of pure carbon, so eat more carbon. Keep your wiener burnin' for maximum vigor! Uhm... wait... I should rephrase that last sentence.
Even your drunk ass can cook the above items. If you know how to impale something on a stick, then you can cook wieners and marshmallows over the fire. And if the wiener or marshmallows start burning like torches made of food, so what? They taste better burnt, and it's a good excuse to drink even more beer to get the taste of wiener carbon off your tongue.
9. Something to wash the strong taste of carbonized hotdog weiner out of your mouth, like rum or whiskey.
A bit of whiskey's fine, son, but don't let your exposed wiener get cold.
Another fine tradition of partying in the woods is passing a bottle around with your buddies at the bonfire. Be it from schnapps to Irish cream to vodka, whatever, nothing makes for better friendship than getting plastered, putting your arms around each other, and singing fine traditional Irish ballads like the theme song to The Flintstones.
10. Things To Forget to Bring:
Flashlight: You're going to get so drunk that vision will be a moot point, so why bring a flashlight? Half the fun of camping is stumbling around in the dark woods, encountering frightened campers, wandering wolves, and anal-probing aliens.
A Tent: Why bring a tent when you have a nice, cozy bonfire to pass out unconscious nearby? Use your trusty lawn chair (if you or your buddies haven't set it on fire yet, that is). Besides, tents are for wussies. Real campers sleep under the stars, fortified by alcohol, gasoline-enriched bonfire, and a terminal case of lack of common sense.
"Real" Food (aside from exploding beans, carbon wieners, and torched marshmallows): You're going to be drinking a lot of beer so you won't have to bother with eating anything actually nutritious. You're not really going to camp out in the woods so much as you are going to fall unconscious from inebriation during the night and wake up shivering in the dew-soaked morning, only to head to the nearest McDonald's for a morning McMuffin and extra-large coffee.
A Map to the Campsite: You've always found your camping spot before, so why do you need a map? Besides, even if you don't find the site there's a lot of woods out in the country. Just park your car and fire up your bonfire anywhere.
One hint, though: if you notice a lot of rows of corn around your campground, you're camping in a farmer's field. Farmers generally don't like a bunch of baked bean-scarred, burnt wiener holding, inebriated young people playing Slipknot tunes from an over-powered car stereo in the middle of their crops.
In Conclusion: Don't forget to bring the beer.
I really miss being a drunk college student in the woods passing out by the campfire. I had the smoothest legs from the bonfire's flames burning away my leg hairs. The smoothest.