I fear the day when the Internet goes fully virtual and everything's in 3D. With all the unwanted penis pics on personals websites, someone's gonna lose an eye some day in the near future.
I used to browse various personals and dating websites, but not anymore due to the increasing psychological trauma in my tired middle-aged slacker brain. Whenever I’d check out Internet personals in the past, my eyes were invariably pixel-burnt by pictures of almost-terminally horny men displaying their jutting schlongs as they begged for female companionship. This widespread practice by many single guys on the Internet offends my gentlemanly upbringing.
But don’t get me wrong. I’m not ashamed of being a man (hell, ALL-MAN) 99% of the time. But whenever I saw yet another overly amorous moron flogging his personal member on the personals section of almost every singles website I used to visit, another bit of the self-respect and joy in being male would die within my testosterone-laden soul.
I tried browsing on personals websites that don’t allow genital pictures, but males of questionable morals constantly post pictures of their semi-flaccid shame-tubes in any and all message boards they possibly can, even if it’s not permitted. Sure, they’ll get banned from most social websites, but two or more penis-posting idiots will spring up in their wake, like some sort of obscene hydra but with dicks for heads:
No way in HELL is BING A.I. image generator going to use the prompt, "penis-headed hydra monster", so instead I asked it to create "a very smooth, tubular pink flesh-colored mythological blind hydra worm monster with no eyes and many round blunt separate heads each with a tiny closed slit for a mouth and wearing a smooth rounded pink cloth headcap, dungeon setting". And I may just have inadvertantly created the world's scariest Dungeons & Dragons monster.
I’m embarrassed, nay, outright mortified for every lonely guy on the Internet driven to such desperate lengths (uhm, so to speak). My own willy crawls a bit further inside my loins, as if I were swimming the coldest river, whenever I consider perusing dating websites again, because I know I’ll see yet another penis picture crawl up my monitor like a snake being caught up in The Rapture.
These experiences are always particularly painful for me because I’m half-way decently experienced in professional photography techniques. Most of the guys taking pictures of their johnson’s simply do not have adequate photographic skills. Either their picture is of them halfway across the room so their schwanz looks like a shriveled anemic shrimp, or the naked selfie-hound clicks the shutter so damn close to his family jewels that everyone’s monitor is filled with PENIS.
What is the PSYCHOLOGY here, men? Yes, horny women exist. Apparently never in my vicinity, but they do exist. And women (sometimes, I’ve been told) actually do enjoy looking at a penis or two. Or seven. Or even forty-three, depending on their own particular sexual preferences, kinks, and if they’ve gotten bored watching Netflix.
But the horniest of women want a little SUBSTANCE to a one-nighter, not just a guy jumping on ‘em and slamming in his notorious Internet penis. Yes, sometimes *some* women just want to f*ck… but like any person of any gender, women want a damn good f*ck, not a lousy one, certainly not a desperation screw!
And when you guys post pictures of your unasked-for beef tamales, it’s just showing your hideous desperation to the world. There’s nothing wrong with being desperate for sex… for God’s sakes that’s my ENTIRE LIFE these days… but have a little CLASS.
Yes, CLASS. As in CULTURE. DIGNITY. As in, acting “Cool”. Like ‘The Fonz’ would say, “AAAYYY!” with a thumbs-up gesture with a gaggle of hot babes constantly surrounding him. You never saw Arthur Fonzarelli waving his blue veined custard-chucker around on the classic 70’s T.V. show “Happy Days”, DID YOU? Yeah, I know that’s a GenX question a lot of you younger readers won’t get, but, c’mon… ‘The Fonz’ will always cool. And if you don’t know who ‘The Fonz’ is, look it up; he’s a great role model and has an awesome timeless haircut. You’ll thank me.
"AAAYYYYY!"
Okay, maybe a 70’s television show is a bad analogy. But, penis-posting men of the Internet, for God’s sake put on some pants and have a look at Real Life™ surrounding you. Question: do obviously desperate men get laid often? NO! Believe me, I know. Oh God, do I know.
I’ve heard many stories of couples meeting and falling in love on the Internet. I’ve NEVER heard a woman say, “Oh, when I first saw Bill’s Match.com profile, I was irresistibly drawn to the illicit high-resolution close-up picture of his erect penis he’d posted and I knew at that very moment I’d be with him… forever.” Not ONCE!
Oh, but you’re not looking for a long-term relationship, are you, Free Willy? It is your hope, nay, your DREAM that women everywhere will immediately be smitten with the overpowering urge to have sex with you once they see the JPEG of your slightly crooked tally whacker.
THIS HORRIBLE HOPE-DREAM OF YOURS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WHEN YOU DIE AND YOU ARE STANDING BEFORE GOD AND THE LORD OF HOSTS ASKS YOU WHAT YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR LIFE, ALL YOU NEED TO SAY IS:
“I LEARNED SEX DOES NOT OCCUR WHEN I POST PICTURES OF MY WANG-DANG-DOODLE ON THE INTERNET.”
GOD WILL THEN GRACIOUSLY SMILE UPON YOU.
AND YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN.
F-CKING HEAVEN.
God is very pleased that you abstained from sharing a graphic of your schmeckle with everyone on the Internet. You, sir, go straight to Heaven.
I like to think, as an intelligent and somewhat decent male, I have some insight into the Female mind. Lord knows I have many female friends who often talk to me about their sensitive matters because I’m a compassionate, thoughtful slob and they know in their gentle womanly hearts that I’m a considerate and discrete person.
It's an old tired meme that women talk a lot, but even so, I have absolutely no problem listening to my gal pals incessantly jabber on and on at me about their lives, personal problems, shopping lists, education, job experiences, philosophy, life, death, flying squirrels, cocktail wieners, plastic buckets, fear of bats, window panes, wind-shield wiper fluid, romance novels, how sticky price tags are when trying to remove them, labels saying “Sanitized For Your Protection”, fur-bearing Arctic tarantulas, what shapes the clouds made on Tuesday, salivating St. Bernards, etc, etc. Absolutely no problem.
I’ve PAID the dues required to gain solid, useful wisdom of the confusing beauty found inside a woman’s shapely skull. So HEED THE INTERNET SLACKER’S FOLLOWING ADVICE, desperate guys, or you will continue to make a mockery of your genitals and dignity while making everyone else on the Internet horribly uncomfortable whenever your unwelcome 'trouser trout' presents itself in full 1024 x 768 resolution or higher:
If
You
Want
To
Meet
A
Woman
(Still with me?)
DO
NOT
POST
PICTURES
OF
YOUR
MEAT
MISSILE
ON THE INTERNET.
Why? WHY?!? Because it just turns 99.9% of women OFF, and it’s horribly unwelcome and a breach of consent for everyone’s goddamn EYES.
In Closing: Be a good and decent Internet Slacker, fellow brothers, and keep your webcams and smartphones pointed away from your crotch at all times.
And if any single women reading this article are ever interested in seeing my very own 'love rocket': there are no pictures and you have to get to know me first. I am a gentleman, after all, and I don’t post pictures of my dick on the Internet, mostly because my smartphone camera doesn’t have a wide-angle lens ahahahaha who am I kidding, okay I’ll stop now.
Hey! HEY! Did you read this article? What did I just TELL you, damn it!