Face it: you're single and you’ve never bothered to learn how to cook meals for yourself. After years of an unhealthy dependence on UberEats, developing culinary skills has always ranked low on your list of things to learn. Besides, you've got more important tasks in your life, like listening to “The Joe Rogan Podcast” while nodding thoughtfully.
Buying a cookbook or two may help, but said literature assumes you already possess some basic skills in the kitchen. We both know you do not. Please don’t deny this fact; remember that time you tried to wok-fry Jell-O(tm)? Pepperidge Farm remembers... and so does the goddamned city fire marshal.
So for everyone’s safety from your house bursting in flames the next time you consider microwaving an aluminum tin full of whole eggs (the HELL were you thinking?), here’s some recipes geared towards the completely clueless-about-cooking single guy:
1. Hot Dogs
- Remove two or more hot dog wieners from package. Don't eat them yet.
- Put wieners in microwave on “High” setting. Always used the “High” setting when using a microwave or stove, as that will cook your food faster.
- Watch the wieners cook until the ends begin to shrivel up. Each hot dog wiener will achieve the consistency of a suitcase handle, but it ensures the food has been thoroughly cooked.
Nothing wrong with a little extra carbon since we're all made of carbon.
- Take the hot dog wieners out of microwave with your bare hands, causing you to drop them on the kitchen counter while shouting obscenities due to the fact said wieners are about 4,000 degrees Celsius.
- Wrap each wiener in a piece of bread, as you always forget to buy hot dog buns.
- Slather hog dog with condiments like mustard, ketchup, and Cheetos.
- Bite into the hot dog.
- Experience intense agony as your mouth’s nerve endings inform your brain that the wiener is 3,999 Celsius.
We've all been there, admit it.
- Immediately shape your lips into a pained ‘O’ and blow out air to cool down the hot wiener in your mouth.
- Repeat.
. Macaroni and Cheese
- Fill a small pot to the very top with water.
- Set stove element temperature to “High”.
- Put pot on stove, wait until it boils.
- Get bored watching pot not boiling.
- Go watch some TV – the latest episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” is on tonight!
- Forget about the pot of water until it boils over, creating huge scalding sounds as the water splashes everything in a three meter radius.
Say "Hello" to Mr. Scaldy!
- Panic.
- Remove boiling pot of water from stove top.
- Scald your hand and shout obscenities.
- Open macaroni box.
- Dump macaroni in boiling pot of water, remove cheese flavouring package after it falls into water.
- Wait until the macaroni pasta is softened by the boiling water. Check every two minutes by nibbling a single macaroni piece off a spoon.
- Experience intense agony as your lip’s nerve endings contact the boiling water in the spoon.
- Repeat until macaroni is soft. Ignore your mouth asking you why you keeping hurting it.
- Take macaroni off stove top and put contents into strainer to remove water.
- Splash yet more boiling hot water on your hands, legs, and crotch while straining pasta.
- Put macaroni back into pot.
- Take margarine out of fridge.
- Scrape off the toast and other food particles off the margarine.
Oh c'mon, that's just disgusting.
- Add cheese flavouring, a bit of milk (which you probably don't have), and a tablespoon or two of margarine.
- Mix ingredients together.
- Eat pasta out of pot while surfing the Internet, spreading sticky macaroni pieces on your keyboard.
3. Grilled Cheese Sandwich
- Put pan on stove element and set heat to “Fry This Crap Fast, I’m Hungry”.
- Spread margarine or butter on both sides of two pieces of bread.
- (What am I saying?!? No one can afford butter these days, except the wealthy. So use margarine.)
- Attempt to unwrap one or two processed cheese slices from their plastic wrapping.
- Continue failing at finding the plastic lip of the goddamn wrapping around the bastard cheese slice; why do they make it so hard to unwrap these things?
We've all been here, too.
- Stop for a moment and reflect on why Life is so hard.
- Finally unwrap the processed cheese slice(s).
- Place processed cheese in between the two pieces of bread.
- Place uncooked sandwich in pan which is now 4,000 Celsius since you’ve been trying to unwrap processed cheese slices for fifteen minutes.
- Burn one side of sandwich, then flip over and brown the other side.
Second servin's on carbon!
- Serve grilled cheese sandwich burnt side down on plate to hide your shame.
- Eat.
4. Coq Au Vin with brandy-soaked chanterelle mushrooms and seared pate de fois gras.
You... you're kidding, right?
What is this strange stuff on my plate?