The Internet Slacker

Blast From The Past: I Got My Free Walrus Online!

SlackerDan

(Slacker’s Notes, 2025): Back in the early 2000’s, when I was young and stupid(er), I posted this fake advertisement on the formerly popular craigslist website. The ad didn’t stay up for long, since apparently none of the moderators at craigslist believed anyone would be giving away a walrus, free or otherwise.

It’s a good thing they didn’t, because most assuredly the police, the SPCA, and possibly PETA would’ve been alerted and shown up at my door to perform a righteous xylophone riff on my floating ribs. Back then, when I thought an idea was funny, I’d do it without considering the consequences. It’s a miracle I’m alive and in my fifties now.)

Now I know why Nigerian e-mail scams work: no matter how incredibly stupid a scam or fake ad might sound, someone on the Internet will fall for it.

As a joke, I posted a fake ad in the ‘free’ section on craigslist. For those of you who don’t know, craigslist is a monstrously popular “bulletin board” site where people from all over the world post ads, rants, advice, etc. It’s a melting pot of Internet weirdness, desperation, and used exercise bicycles for sale.

You’re allowed to post anonymously, which is good, because the joke I did was so utterly moronic I’m surprised the Internet Stupidity Police Squad hasn’t shown up at my front door and beaten me in the kidneys with rubber hoses full of sand for my offense.

The fake ad was, well, for a free walrus. Yes, that’s what I said, a free walrus. Here’s the ad with the picture I included:

Okay, okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking: SlackerDan is definitely not an intelligent individual. Rest assured I’ve grimly considered your frankly brutal and honest sentiment of fact many times in my life, starting at the age of four when I licked an electrical wall outlet. Three times. In the space of five minutes.

Of course, the craigslist ad was pulled in about an hour. Unless you’re posting in the “rants ‘n raves” or “casual encounters” section, deeply strange weirdness usually gets flagged for deletion by some self-appointed Internet sheriff.

I thought the matter was ended. But I was wrong. Checking my email, I received this reply regarding Louie the walrus (last names and email addresses hidden to protect the stupid):

This email has to be a joke. Is there actually someone out there who believes some confused country housewife is keeping a young specimen of Odobenus rosmarus in an old cracked claw-foot bathtub full of tepid water, empty tuna cans, and walrus excrement?

Apparently, there are people who exist who believe such a ludicrous concept, proven by another email I received:

This concerned and gullible maniac really knows their walruses. Only an expert knows the exact suitable species of cod to feed a walrus. And that’s rock cod.

I personally did not know walruses (walrii?) have a preference for herring and rock cod. Indeed, from what I’ve seen from nature documentaries, a walrus will choke down anything vaguely resembling a fish. I think when I was a boy of about seven I saw a swimming baby get swallowed by an obese male walrus on a National Geographic documentary narrated by David Attenborough, but my memory is blurry.

Well, I’d feed Louie herring, maybe… but rock cod’s right out. You know how expensive that shit is? Besides, Louie is perfectly happy with Captain Highliner’s(tm) Microwaveable Fish Sticks whenever one or two or thirty are thrown his way.

As a non-lucid but related aside, it’d be cool if walrii could be taught to talk like parrots, cause if I actually owned a pet walrus like Louie, I’d teach him to say “more tartar sauce please” as I fed him. That would be righteous, throwing fish sticks to a pet walrus in your bathtub as he growls out in an animal bass voice, “Would it kill you to throw in some french fries, too?”

I’m getting off track. Okay, so my dumb ad wasn’t up for even fifty-nine minutes and I’d already received two responses from people who think I had a free walrus to give away. Oh, did I say only two replies? Turns out there are also people who aren’t interested in buying a walrus, but have plenty of advice to offer in how to rid one’s self of said same:

Oh, yes, I’m sure the Toronto Zoo will be more than happy to pick up a nearly man-sized barking marine mammal crapping in a bathtub. They will also righteously and furiously charge me with gross walrus abuse, and I’d go to jail.

And, it logically follows, the other inmates will ask me why I’m in prison and after they hear me say, “Uh... Walrus battery in the first degree?”, my new convict buddies will beat me up. Not because they want to, but because they have to.

But this horrible little Internet drama isn’t over yet. Just as I received an email from craigslist saying my free walrus ad was pulled, this gem flowed through the Internet tubes:

I… I… I just don’t know what's happening with this prank anymore. I used to have faith in the human race but that feeling is now an empty sucking black hole of confusion, fear, and regret; I actually held the foolish notion that we, the people on Planet Earth, were progressing, making headway, evolving towards a brighter future.

But let me share this revelation of mine after doing this Internet prank: any so-called “sentient” race made up of individuals who seriously believe people keep walruses in their bathtubs as pets, well… that race ain’t so dang sentient in the first place.

But, looking back on our grand shared history of human gullibility and idiots who’ve done much worse than house marine mammals in their bathrooms, I can’t be too cynical.

Indeed, maybe I am being a little judgmental of our species... but read the above e-mail again. Take note of the ludicrous phrases, “Do you still have this baby Walrus?”, “make him into a happy walrus”, and “I am quite serious about this”.

And may I also draw your attention to the nice lady gave me her phone number? Oh, sure, I was very much tempted to call her up for a nice rational and sane conversation while I played WALRUS_BARK.MP3 in the background, but this is the age of Caller I.D. and I’d already pushed my luck.

So I didn’t do that. Even with the ability to block Caller I.D., I didn’t even want to entertain the smallest chance of that poor gullible woman getting my phone number and alerting the police, who’d show up with big-ass tasers for me and rock cod for “Louie”. Still, I was so tempted...

In conclusion: My fake craigslist ad was up for approximately an hour, and I got four responses from people who thought I was seriously giving away a free walrus, which has to violate so many laws I can’t even begin to want to imagine it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go thaw some fish fingers for Louie, he’s barking for dinner.

SHUT UP YOU OVER-DEMANDING BASTARD WALRUS! JUST GIMME A MOMENT!

Damn, but I’ll be glad when someone comes and picks up Louie… I think he watches me when I pee.

_{I'd take you to the Toronto Zoo but I don't own a car. So it's the subway, I guess.}