My first sighting of a Furry when I was 12 years old. Not a good start, really.
Furries. Those strange people you see on the Internet and, sometimes, even on the television. Grown adults who dress up like humanoid animals and get together at hotel conventions to dance, grope, and occasionally mass-fornicate.
I have no problem with people letting their freak flag fly, or do whatever they do that brings a little light into their lives as long as it doesn't harm other beings. I strive to keep an open mind -- but Furries have always made me feel uneasy.
I should clarify that statement: relatively normal people who wear cartoon animal costumes who don't make it a sexual thing don't creep me out. It's the Furries who turn their obsession into a weird fetish that rattle me.
When I read about people wearing pink bunny costumes with strategically-placed access holes while having sex, I can't help feel somewhat... uneasy. The graphic images that pop into my head provide absolutely no solace, either.
"My God, It's Full of Bunnies".
Ok, sure, there's people out there who heat up cantaloupes in the microwave and put panties on them to get their rocks off, at least from what I've read on the Internet. So I do feel I'm judging Furries somewhat harshly with my mild phobia about their subculture.
But I got to be honest: in my opinion, dressing up like Minnie Mouse and bending over for your buddy in a Pluto the Dog costume... that ain't normal. As Goofy would say, "Gawrsh!"
Furries like to party in hotels when they gather for conventions. Hotels are places many innocent people like to get drunk at while not encountering strangers dressed in animal outfits. Because that ruins a good buzz and is just dangerous for everyone involved.
Would you like to be drunk on a Saturday night in a strange town, in your hotel hallway trying to find your room, and a six-foot tall purple coyote with horrible body odour rounds the corner and starts flirting with you?
Well, it happened to me once, and I'd rather be strapped down and forced to watch the TV series 'Who's The Boss?' starring Tony Danza repeatedly than experience such hideous contact with the Furry community ever, ever again.
Of course, Furries are human under their costumes. Sweaty, maladjusted humans like you and I. So even though we must all treat each other with respect, keep in mind that all Furries have at least one tragic character flaw, besides being Furry. Hey, I have several tragic character flaws, so I'm not judging. I just don't put on a Scooby-Doo costume and run around in the forest scaring the living sh-t out of families camping at night.
(I admit though, I kind of would like to do that. But I'm middle-aged now with an aching body, and no one needs an old bald guy dressed up like Scooby-Doo collapsing on their tent while clutching their chest.)
"RAGGY! R'IM RAVING REST RAINS!".
Specific Furry character flaws include an almost rabid (heh) defence of their furry-loving ways. If Furries really want to be at least semi-accepted by society they should accept and admit their weirdness and just have fun, instead of trying to talk seriously about the benefits of anthropomorphism while wearing a neon-pink cat suit with flashing LED nipples.
Admittedly, Furries are interesting to watch when they appear on the evening news disturbing my dinner hour. Especially in their neon-pink cats suits with flashing nipples. For some inexplicable reason, news reporters are drawn to Furries and their horrible conventions. From a broadcasting point of view, crowds of strange people dressed in animal costumes swarming convention halls is video gold.
If it bleeds, it leads. If it furries, it... hmmm.
However, to most television viewers, the sight of such massed Furries only serves to establish a serious fear in their non-Furry hearts. Agoraphobia? No way. We're talking agoraFURbia, a deep-seated fear of encountering Furries that is so strong that it makes sufferers stay huddled inside their houses just because it lessens the chance of meeting a sweaty 43-year old guy in a bunny cheerleader outfit.
Okay, let's talk about the elephant in the room, which in this case happens to be Larry from Accounting dressed up like Dumbo. I'm talking about Furry pornography. Furry porn is deeply disturbing to all sentient beings.
I once did a search on Furry-based porn, and from the results, all I can say is that Sonic the Hedgehog is making out like a Viagra-enraged pimp. It also appears that Furries don't care so much about the genders involved in their pornography as long as it involves strange sex scenes such as Puff the Magic Dragon sodomizing Minerva Mink from the cartoon show 'Animaniacs' while Donald Duck cheers them on from the sidelines. Yeah, try brain-bleaching that one from your inner mind's eye.
Yet again the Internet destroys more and more childhood memories.
Another reason I think Furries should keep sexuality out of their costumed practices, at least while out in public places, is that small children often want to play with Furries, thinking they are cartoon characters, which terrifies the living hell out of parents. Seeing your kid run up to a guy in a dog costume is weird enough, but if that Furry dog's wearing a leather bondage harness, you're gonna be unnerved to your very soul.
Kids are blinded by their innocence when confronted with a Furry. They think a cartoon character has come to life! So, they run towards their new hairy-suited friend. But parents know better, even if they've only been on the Internet for a total of ten minutes in their entire life, and/or they've seen that Furry episode of 'CSI'. The last thing they want is an over-sized teddy bear hugging their children so close that their little faces are pressed into the Furry's sweaty, eager crotch. I'm sorry, but I'm being honest here. Hideously, tragically honest.
Furries like to "YIFF", which is the act of two (or more) sweaty weirdos in multi-coloured animal outfits groping and wrestling with each other. It's an odd word, but don't misjudge me, I'm completely open to all types of sexuality, as long as no one is hurt. But, to me, nothing is scarier than seeing a sex-starved Furry looking for sad desperate sex in a hotel filled with horrified 'Normies'.
(The above statement is merely a philosophical thought. I've never seen a sex-starved Furry having sad desperate sex with an uncooperative hotel employee, live on on video. And I continue to repeat those words to myself in the quiet hours of the night ever since a certain accidental miss-click on a link at the WorldStarHipHop website.)
I've had legitimate nightmares like this
Final Thoughts: Furries often make statements like "I'm proud to be a Furry and demand to be accepted, rather than mocked, by society".
Instead, I propose the whole Furry community should state, "Okay, we know we're weird as hell, and we know our sexual fetishes terrify a large section of society world-wide. We'll tone it down, okay? As a start, we promise not to roam hotel hallways and hit on frightened middle-aged drunk men ever again."
There's thousands and thousands of free-range Furries out there, folks, and their numbers are only increasing as the Internet works its strange influence on humanity. So be careful going to hotels these days; Nobody wants to walk into a Holiday Inn and be greeted with the sight of a four-meter high "Yiff-Pile" of Furries humping and moaning. At least, I don't.
Y'know what? Cue up the "Who's The Boss" theme again. At least I can handle that.