This is BING A.I.'s concept of Toronto. Eerie how perceptively accurate artificial intelligence is evolving.
Interested in visiting Toronto this year?
Toronto has many fun and exciting tourist attractions just waiting for you! Also, random stabbings have gone down three percent compared to last year, so what are you waiting for? Here's just a few of Toronto's awesome sites to visit:
The CN Tower
"Wow, I can see Scarborough from up here! It's made of Tim Horton's parking lots and despair!"
A glorified radio antennae that was the tallest building in the world for approximately three days. At night the CN Tower is lit up with garishly hideous purple and red lighting, giving it the very credible appearance of a giant glowing canine’s penis with a big knot at the top jutting proudly into the Canadian sky.
Tourists pay money to haul their fat asses to the high-altitude top of the CN Tower where most of them promptly vomit after suffering vertigo attacks from physical exertion and lack of oxygen. It’s a Canadian tradition and please feel free to use the complementary ‘spew buckets’.
Also at the top of the tower is the “360 Restaurant”, an expensive revolving fine dining establishment where tourists experience further nausea from even more vertigo attacks as the outdoor view spins and spins and spins.
Kensington Market
My God, it's full of hipsters.
Formerly the dirty hippie haven of Toronto, it has progressed to the annoying vegetarian pot-smoking hipster haven of the city. So not much has changed, really.
While Kensington Market is made up of only a few blocks, there are 2,783 over-priced “vintage” clothing stores to be found within it.
The Market hosts many unlicensed cannabis shops selling lousy weed at laughably exorbitant prices to clueless tourists, clothing vendors selling overstock T-shirts from 2005, and consignment shops selling local artist items like necklace pendants made of copper wire and fake dyed quartz crystals.
All of the coffee shops in Kensington Market are staffed by pretentious, self-entitled hipsters who are invariably rude to their customers. Selling hideous price-inflated “organic” coffee to tourists stoned on crappy weed is their primary source of income.
On some Sundays the streets of Kensington Market are closed off to car traffic for various incredibly important cultural events, such as hipsters sitting in a circle as they drum on upside-down plastic buckets in a furious display of noise pollution, ear damage, and large crowds of tourists who feel delightfully “bohemian” while suffering through the noise.
Also take a stroll by the small park in Kensington to witness the worship circles prostrating themselves before the statue of Al “The King of Kensington” Waxman (the only Canadian actor ever to become famous).
This hasn't stopped the occasional confused tourist driver from the U.S.A. speeding through the Market in their Ford 150 pickup truck, usually eradicating an entire flock of pigeons in their wake.
The CNE
Canadian culture includes riding old carnival rides originally built in the 1960's, still held together by strong Canadian duct tape bought from Canadian Tire.
An annual exhibition of attractions and rides that has grown progressively worse each year. The amusement rides have a safety code around the level of “Looks like the duct tape’s still holdin’”, but that doesn't stop tourists (stoned on cheap Kensington weed) paying insane prices for the chance to be flung into the air when their ride invariably breaks apart.
There is also a large animal exhibit composed of diseased cows, finger-biting goats, and huge mother pig sows suckling their young. PRO-TIP: Young piglets are easy to “shoplift” for free, delicious bacon!
Chinatown
BING A.I. Image Generator's version of Toronto's Chinatown. It's true, there's lots of friendly smiling people residing in that area, but no cool live flying dragons, alas.
Toronto has many areas of Asian culture such as its Chinatown near Kensington Market. It is a culturally fascinating downtown piece of Toronto where countless Chinese people sell only the finest knock-off popular brands. Since people cannot afford the exorbitant prices of genuine popular brands, Chinatown therefore provides an essential economic service.
Toronto's Beaches
Usually Always closed during the summer due to pollution.
"Gimme an 'E'! Gimme a 'COLI'! Whattya got? E. COLI!"
The Gay Pride Parade / Church Street
Oh relax, Mr. and Mrs. Heterosexual... Love is Love. Especially when it involves a parade, full-frontal nudity, and dancing in the street.
If you're “a friend of Dorothy's”, know that Toronto's Church street is a (if not the) Gay Mecca. Bursting at the seams with glitter, leather, and general fabulous-ness, Church street is the launching point of the yearly Gay Pride Parade.
If you enjoy dancing, wild costumes, and watching uncomfortable straight people, the Gay Pride is for you!
The Eaton Centre
"Attention Eaton Centre Shoppers: anyone found on the third level not wearing at least one article of clothing made by Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuitton will be physically assaulted by our security guards."
Toronto's largest shopping mall in the middle of downtown. It has three floors: the first and lowest floor has stores frequented by poor people, the middle floor attracts middle-classed shoppers, and the top floor is made of stores selling items such as jewellery and fur coats that only the rich can afford. Also on the top third floor are many security guards, hired to guard the shiny bling against people from the first floor who can’t afford to buy food.
So don't wait! Visit Toronto today. Or don't. We don't care, really. No one who lives in this city really cares much about anything. I mean, the Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won the Stanley Cup since 1967, so what's the point in life, really?