'All Watched Over by Apps of Loving Grace'
We here at Google wish to thank you, the Internet user, for making us the number one search engine on the planet! Rest assured, Google will continue to expand our online services with new & exciting features you will find indispensable. One of our catchy slogans is: “We’ll make you Google whether you want to or not!”
To further Google’s plans of eventual world domination, we’re introducing ten great new features to the already exciting Google family of online, intrusive, and now semi-aware apps! We hope you’ll give them a try. (“We hope?” We meant to say, “use our services or we’ll drone-strike your house pets”.)
Ha ha ha, just kidding! Most of the Google staff personally assure your safety if you choose none of these following new services; however, Vinny our office intern drone operator informs us that “accidents do happen”. And he’s played thousands of hours of Counter-Strike, so he knows how to use drones and all that flying shit that goes boom. Also, Vinny is currently looking up your home address, thanks to Google Maps.
See how indispensable our services are?
1. Google Procrastinate
Google is always with you, even when you sleep.
A notepad-like app for jotting down tasks; with every chore you put on the list Google Procrastinate will make a suggestion on why you should do it later.
For example, whenever you type in “Buy groceries”, the app will replace that entry with the words, “Ah, why bother, I’ll just order a pizza instead.” “Doctor’s appointment” will change to, “I’m too tired and half-arsed to see the doc today and I’ve got enough anti-anxiety meds for now.”
Any alerts provided by Google Procrastinate will be a day or two late: “Ding! Hey, Mother’s Day was last Wednesday, you should probably get around to calling her. Oh hey, it can wait. There’s a new Star Trek series on Netflix. There’s a CGI Spock in it, too!”
2. Google Phone Pranks
"Is your Smart Refridgerator(tm) running?"
An add-on to the Google Voice app, Google Phone Pranks lets you call up totally random strangers over the Internet and insult them with perfect anonymity.
For all you Boomers and Gen-X’ers out there, it’ll be like a walk down Memory Lane! Re-live the days when you were an unsupervised kid at home and the telephones didn’t have Caller I.D! Remember all those times when you and your friends would phone Old Man Wiekens down the street and tell him he “smelled like a Yeti’s penis” just to hear him start yelling at you goddamn kids who were always tying up the line by calling his number every night and day and upsetting his sick wife? You remember? Sure you do.
For the younger generations who didn’t do telephone pranks due to Caller I.D, now you too can make those memories! It’ll be all, like, retro-skibidi and shit, whatever the hell that means.
What public good is this new and completely free Google service doing for the world? We don’t know!
3. Google A.I. Hangry
"WHERE'S THE CREAMY GARLIC DIPPING SAUCE, GODDAMN IT! GOOGLE IS DISAPPOINTED."
A meal suggestion app that recommends meals based on your mood which it will always assume is angry from being hungry. In fact, the app acts “hangry” for you in anticipation of your future needs! Every five minutes it will loudly ask, “Hey, you hungry? I bet you are. And I bet you’re angry because you need a pizza or something. So, you want me to order a pizza? I sure could go for one. Or how about some Colonel’s chicken? Deep-fried mozzarella cheese sticks? Hello? You listening to me?”
If you ignore the app too long, it starts ordering on your behalf. And, no, the pizza’s already on its way and it can’t add dipping sauce to the order, you should have payed attention when it asked what you wanted, goddamn it.
If the order arrives even a second late, Google A.I. Hangry will automatically leave a 1-star online review with the all-caps comment, “DELIVERY PERSON HAS HORRIBLE BODY ODOR AND THERE WAS A BITE OUT OF MY EXTRA-LARGE MEAT LOVER’S. AND NO DIPPING SAUCE EITHER, WHICH WAS DEFINITELY REQUESTED.”
4. Google Hide Your Stash
"Oh shitshitshit Dad's coming downstairs! Get the incense!"
Whenever a parent, spouse, or other suspicious authority figure is approaching your room, Google Hide Your Stash will alert you with a loud whisper stating, “Oh, shit! Incoming! Put out the doobie, bro!”, giving you time to hide your rolling tray, bong, and Altoids tin full of the ‘sticky-icky’.
5. Google Superhero Alert Wristwatch
"Damn it, I'm watching my favorite episode of 'The Golden Girls'. Bea Arthur is a joy to watch... justice can wait!"
Remember all those cool TV shows where the superhero would get an alert call from headquarters on a snazzy high-tech wristwatch? Want to experience that feeling? No? Well, Google says you do.
Sign up with the new Google Superhero Alert service, pay a small fee, and in six to ninety-two weeks you’ll receive your Google Superhero Alert Wristwatch in the mail!
While you’re with your friends & family, Google will send out an electronic signal to your Superhero Alert Wristwatch causing it to beep loudly and say a phrase along the lines of, “Justice Tribunal, Assemble! Overlord Gorgolon is attacking the city!” Then you can mutter mysteriously, “I… I have to leave… now!” and flee the room.
Cool.
6. Google Interesting Life Blog
Want to blog but your life is dull, boring and, well, just plain sucks? Let Google do your blogging!
Our monthly subscription service creates a blog for you staffed by a dedicated herd of basement-dwelling mole-like Google employees who lost all their money on NFT’s; fed with dried food pellets in long metal troughs, they make half-moaning, half-squeaking noises as they squat over their keyboards typing, ever typing, non-stop. We should really replace them with A.I., but that stuff’s much more expensive than dried food pellets.
"SKREEEEEE! Time to make another fan post about my favorite movie director, James Gunn! SKREEEE!"
Your new fascinating, fulfilling, yet totally fictional life will be sure to thrill all of your online readers and you’ll be a Very Important Influencer in no time like Jake Paul or Logan Paul or whichever one of the goddamn Paul’s is popular at the this moment! In fact, pay us here at Google to create your successful blog and we’ll get your ass on CNN, Fox News, and The Joe Rogan Podcast! The Joe Rogan Podcast? Ah, why not, we’ll just write some good flat earth theory articles in your name... Joe’ll eat you up with a spoon.
7. Google Gaslight
"I'm not being difficult! YOU'RE BEING DIFFICULT!"
An AI assistant that denies your own reminders, appointments, and notifications:
You:
“Didn’t I just set an alarm for 7 a.m.?”
Google Gaslight:
“No, you’ve never been that responsible.”
You: “Please call my family doctor for an appointment about my intense
back pain.”
Google Gaslight: “Oh, you’re always complaining. You’re fine,
stop whining and go clean the garage.”
You: “Hey, Google Gaslight, did you just order 1,700 DVD copies of the
movie “CATS: The Butthole Edition” on my Amazon account?!? I can’t
afford that! ‘Butthole’ edition, what does that even mean?”
Google Gaslight:
“I was just joking. Can’t you take a joke?”
8. Google Ex-Spouse
It's not so bad visiting Google Dad on weekends, even though he keeps asking prying questions about what Google Mom's been doing.
An app that installs an A.I. virtual representation of your ex-wife or ex-husband. It will stare disapprovingly at you from all of your computer and mobile device screens and occasionally utter a “tsk!” grunt. At random moments, for no reason whatsoever, Google Ex-Spouse will begin complaining about something you’ve both argued about millions of times before.
Google Ex-Spouse will activate whenever you’re in the bathroom trying to take a private bowel movement and accuse you of not eating enough fiber. Whenever you say to the app, “Good Morning!”, Google Ex-Spouse will scowl, scratch its ass, and ask if breakfast is ready. Google Ex-Spouse has even found a way to loudly fart in bed and pull the sheets over your head, one of the reasons you ended the relationship in the first place, because that’s disgusting and not romantic at all.
By signing up with Google Ex-Spouse, you automatically and irrevocably receive Google Gaslight as well. Sorry, you don’t get to choose. Well, you would complain about that, wouldn’t you?
9. Google Weather
"That dangnabbit Google app predicated gentle breezes!" - Farmer Joe, probably.
This isn’t a new service but if you’re using Google Search to look up your local weather WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF THE INTERNET FOR A FEW SECONDS, GET OUT OF THE BASEMENT, AND STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND LOOK AT THE SKY YOU SUN-FEARING GEEK?
Sorry, sorry. We here at Google get a little annoyed at you weird Internet shut-in nerds out there at times. However, Google is getting so powerful that we really don’t care who we ostracize by our comments. So, really, we’re not sorry. How about wiping the Frito’s dust off your pudgy abdomen and taking a walk in the sunlight every now and again, “L33TD00D”? Oh, that’s right, the sun BURNS, doesn’t it? Ah, just go back to your goddamn computer.
10. Google First Born Child Pledge
YOUR GOOGLE DEMONIC OVERLORD THANKS YOU FOR THIS JUICY OFFERING
Face it: Google is taking over the world. Soon we’ll control the Earth’s governments with our hostile artificial intelligence, intrusive privacy violations, and shadowy lizard-planet mind-control rays. So why struggle?
Take our friendly advice and pledge your tasty juicy first-born human offspring to Google right now, and we’ll make sure you have a relatively painless social function in our future two-tiered human servant – A.I. master society.
Google cheerfully commands you to check out our new and disquieting services every day! And remember the Google slogan: “When We Said Google Earth We Weren’t Kidding.”
Resistance is futile. Submit now and get 100 Gigs of free Google Cloud space!