Run you delicious snacks, run.
(c) Daniel R. Proulx 2023
FADE UP:
SCENE: A BEAUTIFUL COLD AND CLEAR DAY IN THE ARCTIC SNOWY WONDERLAND.
SIX PENGUINS ARE MARCHING THROUGH THE SNOW, SINGING:
PENGUINS
Oh, we’re penguins at the North Pole, Explorers without fear, It’s windy and it’s real
cold But how did we get here?
We swam up from the South Pole, It sure took a long time Stopped for tea in Portugal, Had biscuits at the Rhine.
Hopped on a floe at Camp Barneo, Reached the pole and now we’re here We love the ice and all the snow Your Northern Lights so bright and clear!
We can dance and sing all night long -
A POLAR BEAR APPEARS.
POLAR BEAR
Hello.
THE SMALL GROUP OF PENGUINS STOP SINGING.
LEAD PENGUIN
Oh, look everyone! A new friend!
POLAR BEAR POKES LEAD PENGUIN WITH HIS PAW.
POLAR BEAR
Are you made of meat?
LEAD PENGUIN
I… I think so?
POLAR BEAR PICKS UP LEAD PENGUIN.
LEAD PENGUIN
Oh, you want to play, new friend? Ok! What fun things would you like to do today
with us?
POLAR BEAR BITES HEAD OFF LEAD PENGUIN.
OTHER PENGUINS SCREAM.
POLAR BEAR
Mmm. Tastes like cold chicken.
OTHER PENGUINS CONTINUE SCREAMING.
POLAR BEAR
Chewy, good texture, nice! Some hints of fish in the endnotes. All in all, delicious!
OTHER PENGUINS CONTINUE SCREAMING.
POLAR BEAR
Aww, you’re all like little terrified snack packs, aren’t ya?
POLAR BEAR GRABS ANOTHER PENGUIN AND BITES ITS HEAD OFF.
POLAR BEAR
Damn, they’re like potato chips, there’s no way I’m going to be able to eat just one!
OTHER PENGUINS CONTINUE SCREAMING AND SCATTER, RUNNING AWAY.
POLAR BEAR
Oh, c’mon! I’m not done eating all of you guys yet! Geez!
CUT TO: A PENGUIN RUNNING INTO AN IGLOO’S ENTRANCE.
CUT TO: INT. OF IGLOO.
PENGUIN RUNS INSIDE SMALL DOME SPACE INSIDE IGLOO.
PENGUIN ENCOUNTERS INUIT MAN REPAIRING A NET.
INUIT AND PENGUIN STARE AT EACH OTHER.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF IGLOO.
POLAR BEAR RUNS UP TO ENTRANCE AND PUTS HIS MOUTH AROUND THE OPENING.
CUT TO: INSIDE OF IGLOO.
POLAR BEAR’S LONG TONGUE SNAKES INTO THE IGLOO AND WRAPS ITSELF AROUND THE PENGUIN.
PENGUIN LOOKS AT THE INUIT MAN FORLORNLY.
PENGUIN
Help… MEEE... eeee….
POLAR BEAR’S TONGUE BEGINS DRAGGING PENGUIN TOWARDS THE IGLOO’S OPENING.
PENGUIN LOOKS BACK AND SEES POLAR BEARS SHINY WHITE TEETH SURROUNDING THE ENTIRE EXIT, THE BEAR’S THROAT A TERRIBLE TUNNEL TO DIGESTIVE HELL.
PENGUIN SCREAMS.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF IGLOO.
POLAR BEAR SUCKS OUT PENGUIN AND CHEWS IT SLOWLY WITH GREAT ENJOYMENT. LOUD CRUNCHING NOISES ARE HEARD.
POLAR BEAR
It’s like sucking a pimento out of an olive!
ANOTHER SCREAMING PENGUIN, “LARRY”, RUNS BY IN THE BACKGROUND.
POLAR BEAR SPOTS PENGUIN LARRY AND CHASES AFTER IT.
CUT TO: PENGUIN LARRY RUNS TO SNOW CLIFF AND JUMPS OFF, GRABBING AND CLINGING TO A LONG ICICLE HANGING OFF THE LEDGE.
PENGUIN LARRY, RELIEVED AND THINKING ITS ESCAPED, DOES A “PHEW!” GESTURE.
PENGUIN LARRY LOOKS DOWN.
CUT TO: POLAR BEAR CASUALLY WANDERS INTO VIEW, LIES DOWN BENEATH THE PENGUIN, AND CASUALLY OPENS UP ITS JAWS WIDE IN EXPECTATION OF THE PENGUIN FALLING.
CUT TO: PENGUIN LARRY HANGING ON ICICLE LOOKING TERRIFIED.
THE ICICLE BEGINS TO CRACK.
PENGUIN LARRY HOLDS UP A SMALL SIGN THAT SAYS, “Why Does God Hate Me?”
ICICLE BREAKS.
CUT TO: PENGUIN LARRY FALLS INTO THE POLAR BEAR’S MOUTH.
POLAR BEAR STANDS UP ABRUPTLY AS IT BEGINS TO CHOKE ON PENGUIN LARRY NOW STUCK IN HIS THROAT.
TWO NEARBY PENGUINS, JOE AND BILL, SEE THE BEAR.
PENGUIN JOE
Yeah! I hope you choke to death on your food, jerk!
PENGUIN BILL
That’s not food, he’s choking on Larry!
PENGUIN JOE Oh, Larry’s food, alright.
POLAR BEAR COUGHS UP LARRY THE PENGUIN, WHO LANDS IN FRONT OF THE BEAR.
LARRY IS COVERED IN PHLEGM AND SALIVA.
PENGUIN LARRY
Oh God… the horror… the… horror…
POLAR BEAR GRABS PENGUIN LARRY.
POLAR BEAR LOOKS GUILTILY AROUND AND BEGINS TO BRING LARRY TO HIS MOUTH.
PENGUIN JOE
Oh, c’mon man. You don’t eat food you dropped on the floor.
PENGUIN BILL
That’s not food, that’s Larry!
PENGUIN LARRY
I’M NOT FOOD! I’M LARRY!
POLAR BEAR
Ehhh… (SHRUGS). Five-second rule.
POLAR BEAR TOSSES LARRY INTO THIS MOUTH AND CHEWS HIM WITH ENTHUSIASM.
PENGUIN JOE TURNS TO FACE PENGUIN BILL.
PENGUIN JOE
RUN!
PENGUIN BILL
We can’t RUN! We can only WADDLE!
PENGUIN JOE
Then WADDLE, dammit!
PENGUIN JOE AND BILL BEGINS WADDLING WAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, WHICH ISN’T VERY FAST.
POLAR BEAR WALKS UP BEHIND THEM HUMMING A HAPPY TUNE.
POLAR BEAR PICKS UP BOTH BILL AND JOE WITH ONE PAW.
POLAR BEAR
Yoink!
POLAR BEAR WALKS OVER TO A BLOCK OF SNOW WITH A RED & WHITE ITALIAN-STYLE TABLECLOTH DRAPED OVER IT.
ON THE “TABLE” IS A PLATE OF ROTINI PASTA AND OTHER DINING TABLE ODDS & ENDS - SALT SHAKER, POT OF RED SAUCE, BASKET OF BREAD, BOTTLE OF WINE, ETC.
POLAR BEAR SITS DOWN AND DROPS THE PENGUINS ON THE PLATE OF ROTINI.
POLAR BEAR
Ah! Penguin Rotini with a nice marinara sauce!
POLAR BEAR BEGINS POURING THE SAUCE OVER BILL AND JOE.
PENGUIN JOE
Where the HELL did you get fresh cooked rotini around here?
PENGUIN BILL
Please… please sir! Don’t eat us! We’re the last two penguins at the North Pole. If
you eat the both of us, there’ll be no more penguins left up here.
POLAR BEAR STOPS POURING SAUCE AND CONSIDERS THIS STATEMENT.
POLAR BEAR
Oh? If I let you live, can you take me to where more of you delicious little meat
hors-d’oeuvres are?
BILL AND JOE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
BILL AND JOE NOD THEIR HEADS IN EARNEST.
BILL
Oh, sure, sure! We’ll take you there right now if you’ll spare our lives!
JOE
Yes! Yes!
POLAR BEAR TAKES BILL AND JOE OFF THE PLATE AND PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE, MOVING THE PLATE AWAY TO MAKE SPACE.
POLAR BEAR
Sounds like a deal.
BILL AND JOE ARE VISIBLY RELIEVED.
POLAR BEAR
But I only need one of you to lead me to where we’re going.
BILL AND JOE LOOK STARTLED AT THIS STATEMENT.
POLAR BEAR
Here, I’ll make it fair. Here’s a fork, you two figure out who gets to live and who
gets to die.
POLAR BEAR LAYS FORK IN BETWEEN BILL AND JOE.
BILL AND JOE LOOK AT FORK IN HORROR.
POLAR BEAR
I call dibs on eating whoever loses the fight, but to be fair, the winner can keep
their defeated opponent's head as a trophy.
PENGUIN JOE
That’s… that’s horrible! We’re penguins, we’re a family, we’d never kill each oth -
PENGUIN BILL PICKS UP FORK AND IMPALES PENGUIN JOE IN THE HEAD.
PENGUIN JOE
URK!
PENGUIN BILL
I’m sorry, Joe. I’m so, so sorry…
PENGUIN JOE GOES LIMP.
POLAR BEAR TAKES FORK OUT OF BILL’S FLIPPERS.
POLAR BEAR LOWERS FORK TO HIS MOUTH AND CHOMPS OFF JOE’S BODY.
POLAR BEAR HANDS FORK BEARING JOE’S HEAD TO BILL.
POLAR BEAR
Here. You win. Congratulations.
PENGUIN BILL TAKES THE FORK WITH A ‘THOUSAND-YARD STARE’ EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.
POLAR BEAR
Now lead me to your people so that I may eat them.
ZOOM IN ON PENGUIN BILL.
PENGUIN BILL’S FACIAL EXPRESSION IS FULL OF GUILT & EXISTENTIAL PAIN.
CUT TO: POLAR BEAR LIGHTLY JOGGING OVER THE SNOWY TUNDRA.
PENGUIN BILL IS RIDING POLAR BEAR WHILE HOLDING FORK WITH JOE’S HEAD ON IT LIKE A FLAG.
PENGUIN BILL IS SINGING:
PENGUIN BILL
Oh, I’m a penguin at the North Pole, My life is full of fear A polar bear ate all
my friends And now we’re leaving here…
We’re jogging to the South Pole, It’ll surely take some time. To guide this hungry polar bear To commit a murderous crime.
Back on the floe at Camp Barneo, Steer it back to my family and friends At least I’ll survive the massacre When the other penguins meet their end!
CUT TO: BACK SHOT OF POLAR BEAR’S REAR END HEADING INTO THE DISTANCE, THE LONELY PENGUIN BILL ON HIS BACK BEARING HIS GRIM TROPHY.
~ FIN ~