Thank YOU for riding OC Transpo!
Travelling on the Ottawa-Carleton ('OC Transpo') city bus can be a genuinely intimidating experience to many people due to the unpleasantness of encountering the ever-present angry and screaming crowds, surly and psychologically damaged bus drivers, and roving gangs of inebriated Carleton University students.
However, by following just a few of these simple common sense rules listed below, you just might keep your wits and body parts intact whenever you are forced to travel on an OC Transpo bus or train:
Bus Fares
Be forewarned that the current exorbitant OC Transpo bus and train fares will require you to go into some sort of hideous financial debt, usually the kind involving the sale(s) of your internal organs. Fortunately, a monthly bus pass shouldn't cost you more than a kidney or two.
If you can't afford a monthly pass, buying ride tokens at an automated machine is an option; however, this choice is usually an inconvenient one as said machines can only be found at OC Transpo train stations. And once you spend money getting to the damn station to buy tickets to go to the station, all the damn machines are tucked away in grubby hidden corners dimly lit by flickering fluorescent lighting and obscured by piles of empty liquor bottles, grubby semi-disposable dollar store bags, and wrinkled Subway(tm) Sandwich paper wrapping smeared with mustard and strands of lettuce.
So convenient! So easy to use! So simple to contract at least three surface and airborne diseases!
Actually getting bus tokens out of the dispensers can be an interesting experience, if you enjoy feeding the same paper bill into a slot thirty-seven times in a row. And if the machine actually does give you tokens, expect them to shoot down at approximately the speed of sound, bounce off the little metal tray, and scatter all over the train station's unwashed and blood-stained floor tiles.
If the dispensing machine remembers to reimburse your change after purchasing tokens, you will be pleased to know that some (well, two) train stations are located close to small convenience stores, run by proprietors who want nothing more than to charge you two dollars and thirty-nine cents plus tax for a bottle of water, a substance covering over seventy percent of the Earth's surface.
Boarding an OC Transpo Bus
As you board an OC Transpo bus and pay your fare, expect the bus driver to glare at you in a hostile manner, as if you'd just stabbed their grandmother in the face. Do not be alarmed; this is normal procedure for OC Transpo employees, who love you and do not ever think about throwing you off their bus while doing breaking the speed limit in a school zone.
Please note that if the bus driver is sleeping when you board, do not disturb them; they are currently on break. Take a picture of the driver and post it on your Facebook page for laughs, sure. But never, ever disturb a sleeping OC Transpo bus driver. It's like waking a nest of rabid badgers.
"For the love of GOD, WAKEY-WAKEY!!!"
No, scratch that; a much better analogy would be a nest of rabid dogs named 'Cujo'. You remember "Cujo", right? That Stephen King movie with the St. Bernard dog that got rabies and ate a couple of families, a 1981 Mercury Marquis Colony Park station wagon, and actress Dee Wallace? Good stuff.
So, yeah, don't wake or even touch a sleeping OC Transpo bus driver because it's like waking a nest of furious rabies-laden Cujos. (Stephen King, if you're reading this article and your next book happens to be titled, "TRANSPO", I'm suing. The citizens of Ottawa have suffered enough indignities.)
Fortunately, most bus drivers are usually awake while operating their bulky multi-ton vehicles, since the sheer hatred they feel for each and every one of their passengers enflames every nerve in their body like a hummingbird downing an entire can of RedBull(tm).
If you need to ask the OC Transpo driver for route information, ensure that you block the bus doorway so that other people waiting to board cannot pass by your corpulent body. Every Ottawa citizen does the same thing, don't worry, it's like an official city by-law or something.
While addressing the bus driver, keep your eyes downcast and speak in a respectful, humble tone. Do not make any sudden movements. Always respect The Foamy Viral Den of Cujos wearing the human form of an OC Transpo bus operator.
Boarding an OC Transpo Train
At least a dozen OC Transpo trains slipping off the tracks each and every Ottawa winter is now a tradition in Canada's capital.
Remember that while you're about to board a train car, many people may need to exit first. So do what everybody else does: as the doors open, elbow your way through the exiting mass of humanity as if the train station was on fire. Act as if you are being inconvenienced, sigh and glare a lot, and generally push anyone smaller than you out of your way. Anyone bigger than you, try a covert kidney jab.
After boarding a train, sit in the nearest available empty seat. You may have to race other passengers to your chosen spot; again, your elbows are your friends. Seats on the OC Transpo trains are made to be uncomfortable, so try to stretch out and get cozy. Do everything in your power not to share your seat; the angry glares from pregnant mothers with their screaming toddlers and heavy grocery bags as they stand and desperately clutch for balance on the careening, semi-out-of-control train are certainly not your concern.
If no seats are available, you will have to stand. Fortunately, on packed trains and busses, this allows you to rub up against people of the gender you find the most attractive. Jamming your groin into seated people's faces is also an excellent fun and free past-time and may gain you a new acquaintance or two.
Remember, if you have to stand, block the train's doors and any person(s) attempting to leave or enter when it stops at a station. This will also give you greater chances at thigh-rubbing, buttock fondling, and groin-to-face contact.
Sharing Your OC Transpo Bus or Seat
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but the comfort and safety of my Dollar Store purchases are much more important to me than being a courteous person." - 6 out of 10 OC Transpo passengers. Actually, make that a firm '7'
If you have the misfortune of being expected to share your seat, do whatever you can to make the person beside you uncomfortable so they will eventually stand up and leave, affording you greater room to lie down and nap. Such steps include:
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Rub your knee occasionally against their leg, at first as if by accident, followed by prolonged knee/leg/thigh contact. Moaning in an excited low grunting manner may help.
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Remain silent for seven minutes and then turn to the person sitting beside you and say in a loud voice, "OH NO I JUST WENT OOPSIES."
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Violently sneeze, break wind, and belch loudly; simultaneously let your body go limp and slump against the person beside you.
When You're Bored & Decide to Amuse Yourself at Other OC Transpo Passengers' Expense
Old people should be permitted to pole-dance anywhere the hell they want, even on the bus. What are YOU looking at, youngster?
If you need a little excitement while travelling on an OC Transpo bus or train, there are many fun things you can do to pass the time:
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If you are in the front train car, you will notice the operator is enclosed in a little room. Shake the locked door of the driver's cubicle while screaming, "C'mon... I gotta GO! I gotta go NOW!"
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Those vertical metal poles in buses and trains people use for support make excellent impromptu 'exotic dancer' poles. Imagine you're a naughty stripper named "Candi" on stage performing for an appreciative audience. Don't worry as you take your clothes off, this is Ottawa, we've seen it all before.
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Feel free to draw on the bus and train ads. Adding moustaches, blacking out teeth, and leaving your gang tag are all acceptable.
Miscellaneous Tips
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After reading a newspaper on a bus or train car, scatter the pages all over the back seats. Try to grind all the pages into the dirty floor so they are unreadable & spread infection to anyone picking them up with bare hands.
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Consume large amounts of food if the train is crowded. Good foodstuffs include three-day old salmon sandwiches, McDonald's fast food, and melted cheese fondues.
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Feel free to improvise speeches about the "alien agenda" on the OC Transpo bus or train; after all, you have a captive audience (hint: to make things more fun, bring lots of tinfoil hats to pass out to those you know aren't with "THEM".)
In Conclusion
Congratulations! You've survived a trip on the OC Transpo public transportation system, leaving a trail of angry and/or mildly wounded people in your path. Welcome to Ottawa, you fit right in.
"WOW! The bus is on schedule for once! Now to remove this chunk of bus shelter metal out of my abdomen!" - 7 out of 10 Ottawa residents.