Ah, the Internet, humanity's greatest pornography distribution system ever invented. But before the Internet provided gigabytes of free porn to everybody (and when I say everybody, I mean “you”), primitive systems existed to satisfy our need to masturbate to pictures of naked people.
Let's take a quick look at these pornography distribution systems through history:
1. 1 – Ancient cave paintings of naked women
"Are you sure that's Darryl Hannah?"
Nearly all archaeologists agree that ancient cave paintings found in ancient caves (hence the term “ancient cave paintings”) were painted in ancient caves by single lonely horny cavemen. Since all the actual cave-women were downright hideous, devoid of make-up & had no sweet milkshake ass like Darryl Hannah did in the movie ‘Clan of the Cave Bear’, cavemen would paint crude pictures of Darryl Hannah in their ancient caves. Grunting like a steroid-enraged linebacker, our semi-simian ancestors would then masturbate furiously while making proto-human sounds of pleasure something along the lines of “OOk OOk Oh Darryl OOOooOOk”.
The paintings judged to be the best in quality attracted many cavemen “users” to the pornographic cave “site”, humanity’s first steps towards a world-wide pornography distribution network.
1.2 – Greek Urns
Wait a minute, can I even show this? What's going on here?
Many Greek urns from the Hellenic period are painted with extremely pornographic images, making them totally unsuitable for sale at Pottery Barn.
Examples of actual images found on Greek urns:
- A Spartan male youth “frolicking” with Satyrs
- A Spartan Satyr “frolicking” with male youths
- Satyrs, male youths, & someone that looks like Gary Coleman in a teeny-tiny robe “frolicking”
- Xena the Warrior Princess & that blonde chick kissing
- Hercules getting an “Athenian Steamer”
Rich Greek householders would often place dozens of pornographic urns on their front lawn, charging all single male visitors seventeen drachmas a visit to the collection. The householder with the most popular urn collection would draw “heavy traffic” to his collection “site”.
“Image stealing” was a big problem, however; Greek house-owners would often sneak over to their neighbor's lawn and steal the urns with the best images. Greek men would then hide these images in a special clay vase marked “Tax Receipts” to trick their suspicious wives.
1.3 – The Renaissance, or “Plenty o’ Paintings of Well-Fed Topless Women” Era
The tragedy of chilly nipples.
Guys like Leonardo Di Vinci, while not working on mysterious codes for Tom Hanks to solve, enjoyed painting women named Reuben, hence the term “Reubenesque”, since invariably these women were of ample girth. Or maybe Leo & those other 17th century dudes had a thing for BBW’s, who the hell knows.
1. 4 – The Telegraph (precursor to cybersex)
"That's all well and good, Mr. Marconi. But can we get Pornhub on it?".
Invented by some guy when everyone wore nineteenth century clothing because it was the nineteenth century, the telegraph sent and received data even slower than that big 2400 baud modem your aging GenX slacker uncle has in that box of old computer junk from the 80’s in the basement that still hasn't been thrown out.
But this limitation didn’t stop the lustful innovators of the time. While graphical images of women being spanked by men with lengthy waxed mustaches could not be transmitted, young rich bachelors would often describe erotic works of art to their distant friends:
LORD RAMSLEY-HIGGENS-GRUNTLEDGE HERE OLD CHAP STOP I SAY I AM LOOKING AT A PAINTING OF LADY WORTHINGTON WITHOUT HER SHIRT ON STOP I MEAN TO SAY SHE IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT NOT ME STOP I AM WEARING A SHIRT STOP BLOODY HELL THIS IS CAUSING ME A FORTUNE STOP
Early precursors to cybersex are also apparent in other various telegraphic transmissions:
I AM TAKING OFF MY PANTS STOP TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT STOP NOT MY SHIRT STOP I AM TAKING OFF MY SHIRT STOP I AM SO HOT BABY SO HOT FOR YOU STOP OH GOD DON’T STOP DON’T STOP STOP I AM ALMOST THERE MY DEAR STOP I HAVE ACHIEVED ORGASM STOP RIGHTO I AM OFF FOR SOME WENSLEYDALE CHEESE AND TEA STOP
1.5 – Stash of “Playboy” magazines in the woods/park/abandoned lot
Somewhere in there is a motherlode of rain-soaked 'Hustlers'
A long tradition of many young males in before home computers was to hide caches of pornography in wooded fields or empty buildings, common gathering places for adolescent boys to hide pornographic magazines and look at pictures of boobies and giggle.
Such “hubs” of social genital discussion often provided sexual education to young males, usually in the form of “Yeah, that’s her ‘verginer’, looking at it makes me feel funny and scared at the same time.” (A sentiment this author still carries to this very day).
1. 6 – Your Dad’s stash of pornography locked up in his den/garage/attic
Dad's still at work, time to rifle through his stuff.
Although not as common today, a skill some boys still acquire is learning the art of lock-picking so they may bypass the mechanical security guarding their father’s stash of adult magazines. Another important skill gained is ensuring said piles of questionable literature are in the exact same order and position they were found in, so as not to raise the suspicion of the paternal unit. Each and every male born before the year 1993 knows this skill very well.
1.7 – ASCII Porn
Before full graphic images were available on the 'net, this is the type of porn to which your father may have masturbated in the 90's. Sorry to tell you that.
Dear God, that's a hot picture of a beautiful woman. I think.
End of Chapter Exercises for the Student:
1) Visit a museum and masturbate to an ancient cave painting exhibit. Make sure to obtain a pass allowing you to do so from your teacher, principal, or priest. After achieving climax, write a 1,173-word essay detailing the facial expressions on the other museum visitors as they observed you splooge over a plastic ape-woman.
2) Find a male person of Greek heritage and ask him why his ancestors enjoyed “the buttsexx” so goddamn much.
Journal his reactions for further study.
3) Purchase and distribute pornographic magazines to the local male youth in your neighborhood. You may also provide cigarettes and peach-flavored schnapps to create an interested response. Give these to students from your van in the parking lot of a high school.
Journal the reactions from male students, female students, and the police for further study.
Next Chapter in The Internet Student Textbook: Explaining Cryptocurrency to your House Pets for Fun and Profit.