'How to Train (and Feed) Your Dragon'
(Slacker’s Note, 2025): I wrote this article in the early days of World of Warcraft and, although now a little out-dated, I believe the advice it contains on how to properly play the game still holds true. Online games have exploded in number since the early 2000’s and players continue to engage in ‘traditional’ MMORPG tropes like grinding countless hours for rare items, killing weaker players just because it’s fun, and running around as a Gnome just to annoy the Taurens. So nothing has changed. Nothing.)
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Introduction
Welcome to the world of Azeroth you weird Internet basement shut-in! A richly detailed world of sword and sorcery awaits you, unlike the depressing real world where you sit in front of your computer all day and night. Since you’re going to be jobless and living at your mom’s house for the next few years playing World of Warcraft instead of having a successful career or romantic interest, why not read this guidebook?
(Only read the following paragraph if you’ve never played an MMORPG before. Ahahahaha, who are we kidding? You’ve been playing online games for most of your life, haven’t you? And now you can only relate to people whose goals are something like becoming a 70th level Warlock.)
What can you do in World of Warcraft as a new player or “stoopid newbie”? Lots of stuff, actually! Here are just a few examples:
- Insulting people you’ve never met in the chat channels is always a good way of making your presence known in Azeroth.
- Follow high level players and ask them for “sprae gold pleeze sprae gold pleeze sprae gold pleeze” over and over again.
"Please, Sir... May I Have Some More?"
- Join a guild just to scam gold pieces and magic items from members. This practice is performed repeatedly by countless World of Warcraft players every day and is now considered official gameplay strategy.
- Ninja-loot monster corpses and gank each and every player less powerful than you. Again, it's official strategy.
Just keep doing all the same manic anti-social stuff you've done since EverQuest, Asheron’s Call and Ultima Online and you’ll be good to go.
Alliance vs. The Horde
You can choose either the Alliance or Horde sides. Alliance is the side of “Good”, but in actual on-line play this makes little difference since 95% of World of Warcraft players choose the side of “Me and Only Me”.
Your Character
Naming Your Character
The goal to a good character name is to make up a word that is somewhat offensive, but not offensive enough to get kicked off your server. Examples include:
- “WIENERLORD 3000”
- “BIG DICK_VAN_DYKE”
- “FARTMAGEDDON”
C'mon dude, just play the game, you don't need to ruin it for everyone.
We here at Blizzard only get truly upset when you choose a name similar to a copyrighted name, such as:
- "GANDAWFUL"
- "RAISTLIN_LOL"
-
"HARRY WELL_POTTERED"
For such offenses we send a very muscular and steroid-crazed Game Master to your home to punch you in the kidneys and possibly eat your house pets (please consult the EULA for our legal disclaimers).
Races
What character race should you play in World of Warcraft? Well, there are many unique and interesting races from which to choose. Or you can play a boring Human.
Human: The baseline race in most MMORPG's. Like we said, boooring. Choose another race.
Gnome: A good choice if you enjoy running around game servers spamming both the /giggle and /poke emotes in order to annoy people. All non-Gnome races detest Gnomes; actually, all non-Gnome players will personally hate YOU for being a Gnome. This seems to be an unspoken rule in World of Warcraft, which only serves to illustrate the mental stability of its subscribers.
Night Elf: If you’re a male, consider playing a female Night Elf. Everyone online will believe you are actually a ‘Girl Gamer’ since 95% of Internet shut-ins who spend all their time playing MMORPG’s (like yourself) are male and desperate.
"Why, yes, I *am* a 22-year old college girl and definitely *not* a balding 57-year old male accountant, how did you guess?"
As a virtual woman you will receive free gifts of items and gold from male players; accept these presents while emoting “*giggles*” and “*blushes*”. You will have to avoid Ventrilo or Teamspeak servers, though, unless you have voice-changing software or have the capability of speaking in a high falsetto. And if you’re going to such extremes, honestly, you’re not playing the game, you’re playing the other players. But, hey… who cares about other people’s feelings when it comes to all that sweet, sweet free gold and rares, am I right? You know I’m right.
Dwarf: Who in their right mind wants to play this race? What's wrong with you? Oh, wait, it’s a non-human race. Well, go ahead then. Weirdo.
Orc: This race has a long and detailed history which you'll never read since the only reason you chose this race is because you want to stomp Gnomes. Good for you! Azeroth thanks you for your service.
Tauren: See above.
Trolls: See above.
Undead: That's right, you can play an extra from a George A. Romero movie! Wander around heavily populated areas while spamming, "moooore brainnsss" to impress other players with your role-playing skills.
Your online persona is now a walking meme, but it's better than playing a goddamn Gnome.
Always choose the Undead avatar with no lower jaw and hanging tongue to give all other players the maximum “well, ewww.”
Classes
Choose a character class that best suits your "play style", whatever that means:
Warrior: If you enjoy running around and attacking everything in sight while ignoring orders from your angry guild leader, this is the class for you. Your ultimate goal as a Warrior in WoW is to be able to kill town guards and go on newbie-slaying rampages whenever you choose. Just because you can.
Rogue: Creeping around and stabbing people in the back, like your ex-spouse in
virtual form.
On a related note, choosing this class is excellent practice for confronting
your ex-wife’s new boyfriend in a parking lot at night. (Oh, that slick-haired weasel will
pay, won’t he? Yes he will. As long as I successfully make my Stealth skill check
and roll a critical strike on the back of his knees with my Wilson #1 driver,
he’ll never know I was there.)
Mage: Many people worldwide play World of Warcraft so they may repeatedly cast spells like ‘Polymorph Sheep’ on other gamers. Just to annoy and enrage those players, of course. Never mind game content and quests when you can interfere with complete strangers from enjoying their online experience, right? Right.
Priest: The class for extorting other players for healing spells. You literally have the power of life or death over the other classes; use this ability sparingly to make people suck up to you. If they don't, threaten to stand in the corner of the instance map and laugh while watching everyone else die. Record the event and put the video on YouTube. Profit.
"Can't you wait five minutes for my Mana to recharge, Lord Maximus?"
Druid: Nature-loving hippie version of the Mage. Shoots brambles or thorns,
pick one, such choice.
Can shape-shift into other animal forms, but sadly, a barking walrus is not
one of them.
Hunter: If you’ve always wanted to own a gorilla you can order to squeeze other players to death, this is the class for you. The fact that you can virtually attack other people with trained primates says a lot about the current state of MMORPG’s when you really give it serious thought.
Paladin: Something like a second-class healer with a big glowing sword. The perfect class if you’re self-righteous. If you’re a Reddit moderator, you were born for this role.
Shaman: Something like an evil priest, they do things with hardwood totem sticks to hurt other players. No, not in the way you’re thinking. Although that would be an awesome PvP attack to witness.
Warlock: Something like an evil wizard, which means you’ll be ganking players because you’re an evil Warlock and not solely due to the fact you’re an online sociopath.
Combat
To fight a monster, target them and then choose a combat action from the toolbar. Then watch your character get killed by that monster. Spend the next fifteen to twenty minutes getting your character resurrected. Then target another monster and get slain again. Repeat this process 1,728,319 times as you "level up".
I don't care if you keep dying to the Murlock mob... REZ AND DO IT AGAIN.
In PvP combat, do the exact same process above with other players instead of monsters.
Loot
There are different levels of quality of loot in World of Warcraft, each with a color code that signifies the item’s rarity or how much you whine at your team-mates when you don't receive that item at the end of a raid:
Grey: Totally worthless item. Either sell it at to a NPC vendor or give it to other players just to annoy them with the pop-up trade window.
White: More worthless virtual crud. Ninety percent of NPC monster loot drops will be of this type, for game balance and to keep you up till 4 AM just to get a:
Green: Magical item that is more than likely worthless too. Try to sell it at an insanely high price to a newbie.
Blue: Better than green.
Purple: Better than blue.
Orange: A legendary quality item excellent for selling on eBay.
Gold: Most powerful and rare item type to be implemented in the game so far. If you ever receive such an "artifact" item in the future, all players in World of Warcraft will hunt you down and attack you in real life just to get it.
Each.
And.
Every.
Player.
"I've come for your Sword of 1,000 Truths."
Non-Player Characters (NPC's)
Much like reality itself (you know, that place outside your basement), NPC’s are people in World of Warcraft with little to no personality and morals who will repeatedly order you to do things, ignore you, or attack you. Kinda like how the manager at your Wal-Mart job interacts with you on a daily basis.
Quests
Quests are orders given to you by NPC's to go somewhere and/or deliver something and/or kill someone and/or something something something so that you get... some thing(s) (maybe).
Each and every quest in WoW has been carefully crafted by the developers to provide you with a challenging and interesting story-line, which you probably won't bother to pay attention to anyways, since you'll look up all your quest solutions on the Internet. And that makes the developers at Blizzard feel like all their efforts went to nothing and they begin to weep. Thanks a lot.
Look at what you did.
Guilds
To form a guild in World of Warcraft, wander around your server asking complete strangers to sign your guild charter but not actually join your guild, just so you’ll have a guild charter.
If, by some miracle, someone does join your guild and stays a member for more than three minutes, try to get as much gold and equipment off them before they come to their senses.
In Closing
Good luck in your adventures in Azeroth! And thank you for your monthly subscription payment, too. Feel free to buy two or more accounts for World of Warcraft! Or seven, why not?
Just keep sending money to us at Blizzard so you’ll keep grinding to eventually get that blue rare “Dagger of Spleen Destruction” drop for your Rogue character named “Lord BiggusBooty” after 217 hours of game time. Maybe.
NO SLEEPING! KEEP GRINDING! YOU NEED THAT RARE VIRTUAL DAGGER, GODDAMN IT.